Talk Show Hosts

WHAT THE HELL DO TALK SHOW HOSTS SAY TO THEIR GUEST AS THE SOUNDS GOES OFF AND THE CAMERA ZOOMS OUT TO GO TO COMMERCIAL BREAK??????????

To amuse myself, I've always assumed the host leans in and says "You know, you're a real prick" and the guest responds "fuck off".

I do this every time.

Just Got Off of Work (messages to myself #?)

It's 2:46 AM, I just got off of work. Nothing worth anything is on my mind right now, so I'll delve into one of my messages to myself.

The other night, I put a post-it-note on the door to my room reminding me to bring my portfolio to work for a meeting. I woke up at 6:45 and immediately saw the note. I left it there, knowing I would forget by the time I left work. I took a shower, got dressed and opened the door to my room. I tore the post it note off the door and grabbed my portfolio. I remembered that I had better comb my hair (meeting that day) and subsequently walked into the bathroom. After combing my hair (no more than 30 seconds later), I walked out of my room. I walked through the living room and out the front door. I locked the door. At 7:22 the alarm on my phone went off. "What the hell?" I thought. I took my phone out of my pocket and flipped it around. "PORTFOLIO, YOU DUMBASS" was on the screen. I turned around, walked back to my door, unlocked it, walked inside and looked at my bed. Not there. I searched around my room, frantically, for 6 or 7 minutes and then stumbled into the bathroom. Portfolio next to the sink (behing the LA Looks). This is a morning in the life of Texas Tom.

Real World Analysis

On tonight's episode of The Real World, Andrew continues to try to bang someone. He goes about it in the same manner as a 6th grader and scares the crap out of girls. One girl, Alli, takes a liking to being on camera. Her disgust with Andrew's lack of game overrides this camera-whoring desire. She eventually has to "break up" with Andrew over e-mail. I'm fairly certain his boner scared the crap out of her while they were spooning.

The gothic chick does nothing.

The black guy consoles the bitchy girl at some point.

The whore wants to teach Andrew game.

The white trash artistic guy says something into the camera but I could only look at his huge sideburns and sad dough eyes.

The gay straight church kid fights with the bitchy girl. I feel they should bang.

The end.

People I Want to Fight

This list pales in comparison to my list of questions (see Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008 blog post), but I just saw a picture of Geno Auriemma's face and felt the need to publish this list. THIS  POST WILL BE IN ALL CAPS. THIS IS INTENTIONAL. I GET PRETTY HOT UNDER THE COLLAR ABOUT THESE THINGS...

1. THE "REVIT" GUY AT OUR WORK.
2. GENO AURIEMMA
   
3. THOSE GUYS FROM JERSEY SHORE
4. THAT GUY I YELLED AT IN FRONT OF SHELL IN BELLVILLE BECAUSE HE WAS GRABBING HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TOO HARD BY THE WRIST. YES M-F'ER. WHEN YOU GRAB A WOMAN, IT IS MY BUSINESS.
   
5. MOST MEN WHO ANSWERED YES TO MULTIPLE QUESTIONS FROM THE AFOREMENTIONED BLOG POST
6. THAT GUY FROM WORK WHO PURPOSELY MISPRONOUNCES NAMES
   
7. PEOPLE THAT CLAIM THEY DIDN'T SEE YOUR E-MAIL, SO YOU NEED TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING TO THEIR FACE. THEN, WHEN YOU DO THIS, THEY CLAIM THEY DON'T REMEMBER YOU SAYING ANYTHING AND THAT YOU SHOULD E-MAIL THEM NEXT TIME. NOW I HAVE TO DO BOTH. I'M GOING TO HIT YOU ON MY LAST DAY OF WORK. I'M GOING TO HIT YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. (DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. I WOULD "NEVER" DO THIS. HITTING CO-WORKERS IS A CRIME. INNER-OFFICE VIOLENCE IS ALSO TABOO IN AMERICAN SOCIETY. THESE FACTS ARE SAVING YOU FROM GETTING HIT DURING MY LAST DAY OF WORK. AND I'M "NOT" GOING TO SLASH YOUR TIRES.)
8. PEOPLE THAT CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE 10-ITEMS-OR-LESS LINE WITH 22 ITEMS, THEN PAY FOR THEIR CANDY BARS, NAME BRAND FOOD AND BABY FORMULA WITH A LONE STAR CARD AS THEY TALK ON THEIR I-PHONE. YOU'RE WELCOME. OH, BY THE WAY, SPARE ME AND THE CASHIER. DON'T SAY "OH IS THAT MORE THAN 10 ITEMS? SORRY." WHEN THE CASHIER CALLS YOU OUT. (NO, I'M NOT RACIST. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?)
   
9. THE PEOPLE WHO CALL THE COPS ON "COPS" FOR FRIVOLOUS REASONS. I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL CALL THE COPS UNLESS THERE ARE RENTER'S INSURANCE IMPLICATIONS AND I NEED A POLICE REPORT OR MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE IS GETTING BROKEN INTO OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL THE COPS IF YOUR 13-YR-OLD SON TOOK 20 DOLLARS OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S PURSE AND THEN LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND WAS LYING ABOUT IT. THE COPS DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. AND DON'T GIVE ME THE EXCUSE THAT "HE'S OUT OF CONTROL" AND "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". THE COPS ARE NOT BABYSITTERS, NANNIES OR PARENTS. THEIR JOB IS NOT TO TEACH YOUR CRAP ASS KID A LESSON. I'M FRICKIN ALL FUELED UP RIGHT NOW. LEAVE THE COPS ALONE. THEY HAVE PLENTY OF INNOCENT PEOPLE TO GO BUG ABOUT LICENSES BEING TAMPERED WITH...
10. MOST COPS
11. THAT BOUNCER THAT TOLD ME MY LICENSE HAD BEEN TAMPERED WITH
    
12. THAT SECURITY GUARD AT THE AIRPORT THAT TOLD ME MY LICENSE HAD BEEN TAMPERED WITH. LOOK, PEOPLE. I KNOW MY LICENSE HAS A BIG CUT IN IT. BUT UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, DON'T TRY TO SCARE ME. I'VE BEEN SCARED BEFORE. MY LICENSE HAVING A LARGE CUT IN IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I'M TOO WORRIED ABOUT. DON'T WARN ME ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING. COP - GIVE ME A TICKET. BOUNCER - DON'T LET ME IN THE CLUB. SECURITY GAURD - DON'T ALLOW ME TO GET ON THE PLANE. THESE ARE YOUR OPTIONS.
    
13. THAT GUY FROM OUR 2006 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP PARTY THAT WAS EXPLAINING TO ME THAT OUR KEG WAS NOT TAPPED PROPERLY THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE BEER AND THEN TRIED TO TELL US WHERE TO PUT THE KEG. WHO WAS THAT GUY? RANDOMLY SAW HIM 2 WEEKS LATER AND SHOVED HIM INTO THE WALL. HE ASKED WHAT THAT WAS FOR AND I SAID "BECAUSE YOU KEG-NAZI'D MY PARTY". (DISCLAIMER: I AM SENSITIVE TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE AND WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HOLOCAUST, I REALLY AM. BUT USING "NAZI" AS A VERB TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE TAKING OVER SOMETHING IS FUNNY.)
14. ATHLETES WHO REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER (E.G. "THIS IS WHAT WE DO") ON THE SIDELINES AFTER MAKING A BIG PLAY. BY DEFINITION, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
    
15. STEVEN SEGAL (HE ACTUALLY SAID HE'D LIKE TO BE KNOWN MORE AS A GREAT DIRECTOR, WRITER AND A PRODUCER THAN JUST AS A SEX SYMBOL. WOW. THAT IS ONE JADED S.O.A.B.)
16. CARLOS MENCIA
17. PUCK FROM THE REAL WORLD
18. BARRY BONDS
19. RAY LEWIS
20. ANYONE WHO STILL SUPPORTS O.J. SIMPSON
21. THOSE PEOPLE THEY SHOWED JUST ABSOLUTELY BALLING WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ON TRIAL. COME ON PEOPLE. GET WITH IT. WAIT HE'S DEAD SO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT? GO AWAY.
22. RICK REILLY. KNOWN AS THE BEST SPORTS COLUMNIST IN THE COUNTRY. WHO MADE THIS ASSESSMENT? THIS GUY HAS MY ABSOLUTE DREAM JOB AND HE IS CONSIDERED THE BEST AT IT. THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. HE'S CORNY, ARROGANT AND DOWNRIGHT WRONG ON MOST OF HIS TOPICS. ROCK ON, BILL SIMMONS.
    

2032 (Messages to Myself #2)

i can't wait for 2032 so i won't get confused when reading dates. 01/06/10... i have no idea what day it is.

(E-mail from my work e-mail to my personal e-mail from Wed. Jan 6, 2010. Looked at the current date and for a split second wasn't sure if it was January 10, 2006, January 1, 2010 or June 10, 2001.)

Notes from My Day (Messages to Myself #1)

This really shouldn't be in the "Messages to Myself" series, but because it technically was an e-mail to myself and it was actually the e-mail that made me think of copying and pasting various e-mails into my blog, I'll go ahead and consider it #1. But anyway, I was about to forward this e-mail to my buddy Frosty and I instead forwarded it to myself with the intentions of making the entire thing one blog post instead of wasting an hour of his day.

Some things to keep in mind: I was having a terrible day, Mike Leach had just gotten fired and it was the last day before New Year's Eve. I did not feel like being at work and I did not feel like dealing with the Texas Department of Public Safety. Enjoy...

Items of note from my day today:

• I went to Kroger to get some lunch from their deli. The guy in front of me ordered buffalo wings. He gets up to the counter and they ask him if he wants "barbeque" or "buffalo" sauce. I'm assuming they meant bleu cheese or ranch but were too dumb to know anything and were just saying words. The guy got confused and said, "both?" The woman said "you said buffalo?". He said, "no I want both." She clarifies again, "Buffalo?" He says louder "CAN I HAVE BOTH?" She says "NO!" and looked at him like he was a rapist. He said "buffalo then". I told him, "that's ridiculous" and kind of laughed. He didn't respond to me. He just looked at me like I was a rapist. He had no problem with what just happened. Couldn't they just charge him for the extra cup? This thought instigated my fajita situation...
• First, they weren't even going to give me tortillas. I order the fajita plate, assuming tortillas were involved (actually knowing from previous trips that they are stingy with their tortillas and that you have to ask at the counter... though, on a side note, they are more than generous with their King rolls, which essentially pound-for-pound cost 2-3 times more than tortillas). I get up to the deli counter, get rung up, don't get handed tortillas, and then ask "wait, can I get tortillas with this". Cashier sighs and yells toward the back, "I need tortillas". I actually hear someone say "how many?". I yell back "3", thinking I'm going to be a little conservative. I honestly wanted at least one extra tortilla. Cashier stares at me and yells back "They only get 2!" So, naturally, I start raising a big fuss because they only hand out 2 tortillas for an amount of food that would honestly normally require 4 tortillas (maybe 5). I understand they were trying to be cheap. That's their prerogative. But when I offered to buy 2 extra tortillas for the price of an entire bag of tortillas, they should be more than happy to make this deal. But, no. I went as far as to say I would go back into the store and take a bag of tortillas from the bread aisle, bring it to the deli counter, ring it up, take 2 tortillas out of the bag, put the 2 tortillas on top of my plate, and then give them the bag of tortillas. Just to quantify:  Pay for the meal + Pay for the entire bag of tortillas + Give them a free bag of tortillas - 2 tortillas IN EXCHANGE FOR them letting me have 4 total tortillas on my plate. Answer was no. I'm not kidding. There was a line of 6 people behind me by the time I got done arguing.

            I could even break this down as a trade a la ESPN:

           

            Team Kroger Would Gain*

            $7.40 (Cash value of Fajita Meal** and bag of 36 tortillas)

            34 tortillas

                       

            Team Texas Tom Would Gain

            Fajita Meal**

            2 tortillas

           

            *Would also gain any labor cost associated with restocking 34 fresh tortillas in the deli section (as Tom offers to walk to the bread aisle himself)

            **Standard fajita meal includes 2 complementary tortillas

• Next order of business is figuring out why my driver's license was never sent to me. I ordered it on September 26th, 2009 with every intention of never receiving it. I'm fully aware that my apartment # is not on the address line. Why? Because it wouldn't fit. There is no box for an Apt. # and my apt. number wouldn't fit in the address box, there is not enough space (this was online and only allowed so many characters). What was my response from Texas DPS after calling them? "Your apartment number was not on the form." "I know this. The form doesn't have any box for apartment number." "I'm so sorry sir, but you have to include all information in the boxes." "There's not a box... nevermind. Thank you." This comes within weeks of the following e-mail exchange after waiting months for my driver's record (completely separate incident, however, their instructions on the form are also very clear about having all information within the boxes. Again, not enough space. I knew this would happen, so I accompanied my form with a note at the bottom and did not request it online, but instead on a hard copy (the real reason I could not request my driver record online was because they require a Texas DL audit number, which is listed on your license but changes with each renewal. Of course, I haven't received my license yet). Note my first e-mail at the bottom is sent with high importance):

From: Texas Tom
Sent: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 1:20 PM
To: 'customerservicedl@txdps.state.tx.us'
Subject: FW: Driver's Record

Address:

Texas Tom

XXXX Parklane Park Drive

Apt. X420

Houston, TX

Please send.

Texas Tom

---

From: Texas Tom
Sent: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 1:19 PM
To: 'customerservicedl@txdps.state.tx.us'
Subject: FW: Driver's Record

I still have not received this in the mail. I really do not want a warrant out for my arrest. The department has already cashed my check. Please send ASAP.

Texas Tom

---

From: Texas Tom
Sent: Wednesday, December 09, 2009 4:14 PM
To: 'customerservicedl@txdps.state.tx.us'
Subject: FW: Driver's Record

To whom it may concern,

Your customer service representatives were very quick to respond to my inquiry concerning my driver's record. However, I would like to make a suggestion that the boxes in your DR-1 (Rev. 5/04) form be modified to provide apartment renter's with a means by which they can obtain their driver records. Perhaps loosening the restrictions on keeping all correspondence within the boxes would help (Solution 1). However, it may be best to add an "APT NAME" line of boxes with 8-10 total boxes (Solution 2A). You could also name it "STREET ADDRESS 2" (Solution 2B). Extending the Street address line to 25-30 boxes would also suffice (Solution 3). Yes, I've noticed there is not enough horizontal space to do such a thing. Perhaps decreasing the width of the respective "STREET ADDRESS" boxes would allow an increase in total boxes on this line (Solution 3 - Addendum 1).

To clarify, the current form has 24 total boxes dedicated to "STREET ADDRESS". My street address, shown below (which is where you can send my driver's record after reading this), has a 34-box requirement. Taking out all spaces, periods and commas, I could cut this down to as little as 25 characters, still exceeding the 24 character street address requirement imposed by your department.

34 boxes: XXXX Parklane Park Dr., Apt. X420

25 boxes: XXXXPARKLANEPARKDRAPTX420

As for my additional question(s):

(1) Granted that I don't buy a house before my next speeding ticket, how should I go about obtaining a driver record in the future so that I will not have to wait three months and then e-mail customer service with the correct address, assuming that the rules on adding notes to the bottom of the sheet are not relaxed, nor that any of the other solutions stated above are accepted and have taken affect (be sure to read Addendum 1 attached to solution 3)?

(2) Granted that I don't move to an apartment with 24 characters or less in the address before my next speeding ticket, how should I go about obtaining a driver record in the future so that I will not have to wait three months and then e-mail customer service with the correct address, assuming that the rules on adding notes to the bottom of the sheet are not relaxed, nor that any of the other solutions stated above are accepted and have taken affect (be sure to read Addendum 1 attached to solution 3)?

Thanks,

Texas Tom

PS Feel free to call and discuss via phone @ 555-555-5555 (cell) or 69X-544-X420 (work)

PPS I do not have a home phone, please do not send an e-mail months from now in response to me asking where my drivers record is (again) and say that it is because you could not reach me because I did not include a home phone number in my original e-mail. Either of the above numbers will work and are only added as a convenience. As none of this is within the boxes provided and is merely added as a note at the bottom of the e-mail, I could probably safely assume that no one is reading it.

---

From: Lisa
Sent: Wednesday, December 09, 2009 3:44 PM
To: Texas Tom
Subject: RE: Driver's Record

December 9, 2009

Dear Mr. Tom:

Thank you for giving the Department the opportunity to respond to your email regarding your Texas driver record.

A review of our records indicates that your driver record was mailed on 10/20/2009.  However, your apartment number was not on the request, therefore, the record will be returned by the post office. 

Since you have verified your complete mailing address, another driver record will be mailed out tomorrow morning to your address in Houston, TX.  Please allow mailing time for the delivery of the driver record.   Also, you may want to make sure the postman has your name in your mailbox.

I hope this information is helpful.  Please do not hesitate to contact Customer Service at customerservicedl@txdps.state.tx.us or (512)424-2600 should you have additional questions or need further assistance.

Sincerely, 

Lisa XXXXXXXXXXXX
UNIMPORTANT ADMINISTRATIVE JOB TITLE
Driver License Division

From: Texas Tom
Sent: Wednesday, December 09, 2009 10:24 AM
To: Customer Service
Subject: Driver's Record
Importance: High

I requested my driver's record a couple months ago, sometime between 10/14/2009 and 10/21/2009. My check has been cashed by your department on 10/21/2009. Please give me the status of this and/or resend my record. I must show my driver's record to Austin County courthouse to be allowed to complete defensive driving. This is now overdue and I may have a warrant out for my arrest. My name is Texas Tom and my Texas Driver's License number is 69X9420.

Please send my driver's record to:

XXXX Parklane Park Drive

Apt. X420

Houston, TX

Thanks,

Texas Tom

Texas Tom

---

From: Frosty
Sent: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 1:38 PM
To: Texas Tom
Subject: RE:

Yeah, they were just looking for an excuse. They probably weren’t bringing in as much new revenue to counteract that size contract. They haven’t ever been a football school before him, so it’s not as if their athletic dept. is flush with cash.

From: Texas Tom
Sent: Wednesday, December 30, 2009 12:44 PM
To: Frosty
Subject:

Leach fired short of Tech's bowl game

Comment Email Print Share

ESPN.com news services

LUBBOCK, Texas -- Texas Tech fired coach Mike Leach on Wednesday, just two days after he was suspended by the school as it investigated his treatment of a player with a concussion.

Leach

The school handed a termination letter to Leach's attorney, Ted Liggett, just minutes before the two sides were to appear in a Lubbock courtroom for a hearing on the coach's suspension.
Liggett said the letter said Leach was "terminated with cause effective immediately."
In February, Leach and the school agreed to a five-year, $12.7 million contract. According to terms of the deal, Leach was due an $800,000 bonus on Dec. 31 if he were still the head coach at Texas Tech.
Leach was suspended by the university on Monday after receiver Adam James alleged the coach twice confined him to small, dark spaces while the practiced.

.......

I'm not a conspiracy guy, but doesn't this seem kind of weird.... Fired on Dec. 30.

Messages to Myself

I'm the kind of person who hates missing out on things. I don't like wasted time or wasted effort, and I don't know how to say "no" when someone asks me to do something with them. Hence my propensity to only run at 0 or 100. There's no in between. That aspect of my personality has led to pretty much everything I am today. Good and bad, and I don't feel like getting into it right now. And you don't feel like hearing about it. What you want to hear about and what I want to type about are the entertaining things a quality like this can lead to. You've seen or heard of most of them. The shit shows are a direct result of my inability to drink just a little bit. I either stay stone sober or get canned beyond recognition. You'd figure if I remember the things I'm typing about there must be some in between things occurring that I probably don't remember. So back to my 0 or 100 theory. That same trait has led me to not want to waste these occurrences. I don't "remember" them after the fact, but I "remember" to text myself on my phone when something occurs that I feel at the time may be worth remembering. Bare in mind, I'm hammered at the time and, thus, my judgment about what I may want to remember may be a little flawed. Either way, this sort of activity has led to the several text messages which I will unveil as we go along in a series I'll call "Messages to Myself".

Along these same lines, I also e-mail myself anytime something pops into my head that I may want to remember. In the past, if I thought of something that I considered creative or entertaining that others may want to hear about but I was, say, at work or something, I would simply forget about it. Sometimes, I would think of something really good and try to remember what it was that I thought of. It sometimes bothered me for days. What if I thought of a really good joke and that joke would have been the catalyst for a career in stand-up. It would be like Thomas Edison thinking of the light bulb while he was taking a shit and after he wiped, he'd already forgotten about it. Where would we be now?

Another aspect of the "Messages to Myself" are various chains of e-mails, both serious and not serious, that occur throughout my day at work or at home which I feel you may enjoy. This idea could take off, or it could fizzle out. We'll find out.