People I Want to Fight

This list pales in comparison to my list of questions (see Sunday, Feb. 17, 2008 blog post), but I just saw a picture of Geno Auriemma's face and felt the need to publish this list. THIS  POST WILL BE IN ALL CAPS. THIS IS INTENTIONAL. I GET PRETTY HOT UNDER THE COLLAR ABOUT THESE THINGS...

1. THE "REVIT" GUY AT OUR WORK.
2. GENO AURIEMMA
   
3. THOSE GUYS FROM JERSEY SHORE
4. THAT GUY I YELLED AT IN FRONT OF SHELL IN BELLVILLE BECAUSE HE WAS GRABBING HIS WIFE/GIRLFRIEND TOO HARD BY THE WRIST. YES M-F'ER. WHEN YOU GRAB A WOMAN, IT IS MY BUSINESS.
   
5. MOST MEN WHO ANSWERED YES TO MULTIPLE QUESTIONS FROM THE AFOREMENTIONED BLOG POST
6. THAT GUY FROM WORK WHO PURPOSELY MISPRONOUNCES NAMES
   
7. PEOPLE THAT CLAIM THEY DIDN'T SEE YOUR E-MAIL, SO YOU NEED TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING TO THEIR FACE. THEN, WHEN YOU DO THIS, THEY CLAIM THEY DON'T REMEMBER YOU SAYING ANYTHING AND THAT YOU SHOULD E-MAIL THEM NEXT TIME. NOW I HAVE TO DO BOTH. I'M GOING TO HIT YOU ON MY LAST DAY OF WORK. I'M GOING TO HIT YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FACE. (DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. I WOULD "NEVER" DO THIS. HITTING CO-WORKERS IS A CRIME. INNER-OFFICE VIOLENCE IS ALSO TABOO IN AMERICAN SOCIETY. THESE FACTS ARE SAVING YOU FROM GETTING HIT DURING MY LAST DAY OF WORK. AND I'M "NOT" GOING TO SLASH YOUR TIRES.)
8. PEOPLE THAT CUT IN FRONT OF ME IN THE 10-ITEMS-OR-LESS LINE WITH 22 ITEMS, THEN PAY FOR THEIR CANDY BARS, NAME BRAND FOOD AND BABY FORMULA WITH A LONE STAR CARD AS THEY TALK ON THEIR I-PHONE. YOU'RE WELCOME. OH, BY THE WAY, SPARE ME AND THE CASHIER. DON'T SAY "OH IS THAT MORE THAN 10 ITEMS? SORRY." WHEN THE CASHIER CALLS YOU OUT. (NO, I'M NOT RACIST. WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?)
   
9. THE PEOPLE WHO CALL THE COPS ON "COPS" FOR FRIVOLOUS REASONS. I NEVER HAVE AND NEVER WILL CALL THE COPS UNLESS THERE ARE RENTER'S INSURANCE IMPLICATIONS AND I NEED A POLICE REPORT OR MY NEIGHBOR'S HOUSE IS GETTING BROKEN INTO OR SOMETHING OF THAT NATURE. DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL THE COPS IF YOUR 13-YR-OLD SON TOOK 20 DOLLARS OUT OF YOUR SISTER'S PURSE AND THEN LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS ROOM AND WAS LYING ABOUT IT. THE COPS DO NOT HAVE TIME TO TEACH HIM A LESSON. AND DON'T GIVE ME THE EXCUSE THAT "HE'S OUT OF CONTROL" AND "I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO". THE COPS ARE NOT BABYSITTERS, NANNIES OR PARENTS. THEIR JOB IS NOT TO TEACH YOUR CRAP ASS KID A LESSON. I'M FRICKIN ALL FUELED UP RIGHT NOW. LEAVE THE COPS ALONE. THEY HAVE PLENTY OF INNOCENT PEOPLE TO GO BUG ABOUT LICENSES BEING TAMPERED WITH...
10. MOST COPS
11. THAT BOUNCER THAT TOLD ME MY LICENSE HAD BEEN TAMPERED WITH
    
12. THAT SECURITY GUARD AT THE AIRPORT THAT TOLD ME MY LICENSE HAD BEEN TAMPERED WITH. LOOK, PEOPLE. I KNOW MY LICENSE HAS A BIG CUT IN IT. BUT UNLESS YOU ARE GOING TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT, DON'T TRY TO SCARE ME. I'VE BEEN SCARED BEFORE. MY LICENSE HAVING A LARGE CUT IN IT IS NOT SOMETHING THAT I'M TOO WORRIED ABOUT. DON'T WARN ME ABOUT THIS SORT OF THING. COP - GIVE ME A TICKET. BOUNCER - DON'T LET ME IN THE CLUB. SECURITY GAURD - DON'T ALLOW ME TO GET ON THE PLANE. THESE ARE YOUR OPTIONS.
    
13. THAT GUY FROM OUR 2006 NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP PARTY THAT WAS EXPLAINING TO ME THAT OUR KEG WAS NOT TAPPED PROPERLY THEN COMPLAINED ABOUT THE BEER AND THEN TRIED TO TELL US WHERE TO PUT THE KEG. WHO WAS THAT GUY? RANDOMLY SAW HIM 2 WEEKS LATER AND SHOVED HIM INTO THE WALL. HE ASKED WHAT THAT WAS FOR AND I SAID "BECAUSE YOU KEG-NAZI'D MY PARTY". (DISCLAIMER: I AM SENSITIVE TO THE JEWISH PEOPLE AND WHAT HAPPENED AT THE HOLOCAUST, I REALLY AM. BUT USING "NAZI" AS A VERB TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE TAKING OVER SOMETHING IS FUNNY.)
14. ATHLETES WHO REPEAT THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER (E.G. "THIS IS WHAT WE DO") ON THE SIDELINES AFTER MAKING A BIG PLAY. BY DEFINITION, THIS IS WHAT YOU DO.
    
15. STEVEN SEGAL (HE ACTUALLY SAID HE'D LIKE TO BE KNOWN MORE AS A GREAT DIRECTOR, WRITER AND A PRODUCER THAN JUST AS A SEX SYMBOL. WOW. THAT IS ONE JADED S.O.A.B.)
16. CARLOS MENCIA
17. PUCK FROM THE REAL WORLD
18. BARRY BONDS
19. RAY LEWIS
20. ANYONE WHO STILL SUPPORTS O.J. SIMPSON
21. THOSE PEOPLE THEY SHOWED JUST ABSOLUTELY BALLING WHEN MICHAEL JACKSON WAS ON TRIAL. COME ON PEOPLE. GET WITH IT. WAIT HE'S DEAD SO I'M NOT ALLOWED TO SAY THAT? GO AWAY.
22. RICK REILLY. KNOWN AS THE BEST SPORTS COLUMNIST IN THE COUNTRY. WHO MADE THIS ASSESSMENT? THIS GUY HAS MY ABSOLUTE DREAM JOB AND HE IS CONSIDERED THE BEST AT IT. THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD EXCEPT FOR THE FACT THAT HE'S NOT VERY GOOD AT IT. HE'S CORNY, ARROGANT AND DOWNRIGHT WRONG ON MOST OF HIS TOPICS. ROCK ON, BILL SIMMONS.