Please answer the following questions

1. Are you male and have a pony tail?
2. Are you male and sport an earring?
3. Would you agree with the position that Denzell Washington's character from John Q. was an alright, if not great, guy?
4. Are you either a male or a female rated below a "7" with more than one "star" tattoo? (answering "yes" to this question is admitting that you suck, and that includes MJ from the Real World Philadelphia and most of the trolls who hang out at Campus Estates' pool)
5. Is your name Tom Cruise?
6. Are you my mom?
7. Do you genuinely enjoy peeling out in your car because it's awesome, not because it's hilarious?
8. Do you commonly add 69 or 420 to the end of your basic online user id's to make them more awesome, not to make them more hilarious?
9. Are you somewhat unsure what the difference between "there" and "their" is?
10. Do you hate me?
11. Do you strongly dislike me?
12. Were/are you one of the original Kings of Comedy?
13. Are you my employer?
14. Could you describe yourself as a "stank-ass (sic?) hoe"?
15. Do you typically only work-out your biceps when you go to the gym (hint: you probably already answered "yes" to some combination of 1, 2, 4 and 9)?
16. Are you that guy who used to talk really loud in my Thermodynamics class? It was also really annoying when you honked when he blew your nose during lectures.
17. Did you play Coach Orion in D3: The Mighty Ducks?
18. Do you have star tattoos?
19. Do you have star tattoos?
20. Are you a major league baseball player, past or present, who has hit 756 home runs or more in your career?
21. Are you a major league baseball player, past or present, who has played for Boston, Toronto, New York (AL), Houston, and New York (AL) again, in that order?
22. Have you ever lied to congressmen while at a hearing set up by your own lawyers?
23. Did you think Tim McGraw did more than a decent job with his role in "Friday Night Lights"?
24. Have you ever handed out flyers on the West Mall of UT's campus?
25. Did you record the hit (?) country single "21-17"?
26. Did you allow, encourage or force your child to grow out his/her rat tail after January 1, 1994?
27. Do you see no problem with the position that obtaining a cold from someone is grounds for "socking [them] in the eye"?
28. Have you ever made a "guest appearance" on the show Cops?
29. Do you wear extra-large Betty Boop, Goofey, Tweety or any Looney Toons- or Tiny Toons-themed silk-screened t-shirts?
30. Could you describe your voice as both raspy and, if yes, raspy due to cigarette smoke? (hint: you probably answered "yes" to number 27)
31. Do you own the movie "Big Momma's House"?
32. Do you get huge bug-eyes while getting accused of wrongdoing?
33. Did you express a pleasant sense of surprise upon viewing the acting chops of Ice Cube, any member of the hip-hop duo OutKast or Ludacris for the first time?
34. Would you ever, other than references to a stray dog, consider using the term "off the chain", without smiling, to give an honest description of something that impresses you?
35. Do you subscribe to the mantra "finders keepers, losers weepers"?
36. In your childhood, did you ever say "I know you are but what am I" more than once within a 3-minute span?
37. Are you currently "barred out"?
38. Have you ever not been named Sasha B. Cohen and expected either a positive response or laughter from a member of the opposite sex after saying "very nice" or "high five" in an Eastern European accent on more than one hundred occasions?

If you have answered "yes" to three or more of the previous questions, stop reading my blog please. It's just not a good fit.

Thanks,

TEXAS TOM